When Your Toddler Is a Picky Eater: A Therapist’s Perspective on Support, Not Struggle
By Samantha Congdon, LMFT
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor, I often hear from worried parents who say things like:
“My toddler only eats cheese and crackers!”
“Mealtime is a daily battle!”
“What if they’re not getting enough nutrients?”
Picky eating in toddlers is incredibly common and can be super stressful. But with the right mindset, some developmental understanding, and a few grounded strategies rooted in intuitive eating and therapeutic principles, you can transform mealtimes into moments of connection instead of conflict.
Why Is My Toddler So Picky?
Picky eating can feel like a mystery, but there are several developmentally normal reasons your toddler might be avoiding certain foods:
1. Autonomy and Power Struggles
Between ages 1 and 3, toddlers are learning independence. So, what can a toddler control? What goes in their mouth.
When parents pressure or coax ("Just one more bite!"), toddlers may resist not because they hate the food, but because they need to assert their autonomy. This can quickly turn meals into a power struggle.
Therapeutic Tip:
Let go of the pressure. Trust your child to decide how much to eat (or whether to eat at all). Your role is to offer consistent, nourishing meals and a variety of food. Your role is actually not to make them eat - that is up to them!
2. Sensory Sensitivities
Toddlers are still learning how to interpret sensory input, such as taste, smell, texture, and temperature. Some kids are highly sensitive to the way food feels in their mouth. Others may be overwhelmed by strong smells or colorful, mixed dishes.
Therapeutic Tip:
Validate their experience. “It’s okay you don’t like how that feels in your mouth.” Offer a variety of textures slowly, and let them explore with their hands and noses, not just their taste buds. Remember to praise effort, not perfection.
3. Slower Growth = Smaller Appetites
Between ages 1 through 3, your child’s growth slows compared to infancy. This often surprises parents because they suddenly see their child eating less than before.
Registered Dietitian Insight:
Toddlers need about 1,000–1,400 calories per day, depending on activity level. This can be met with three meals and a couple of snacks—even if those meals feel small to you. Their tummies are tiny, so portion sizes don’t need to be adult-sized!
4. Fear of New Foods (Food Neophobia)
It’s common for toddlers to reject new or unfamiliar foods. It may take 10–15 exposures before a child will even try a new food, let alone like it.
Intuitive Eating Tip:
Use neutral language. Instead of “You’ll love it!” try “This is broccoli. You don’t have to eat it.” Keep offering without pressure to build familiarity and trust.
5 Therapist-Approved Strategies to Support Your Picky Eater
1. Honor the Division of Responsibility
Ellyn Satter, a registered dietitian and family therapist, developed the Division of Responsibility in Feeding:
Parent’s job: What, when, and where to eat.
Child’s job: Whether and how much to eat.
When we define a parent’s job vs a child’s job we create clarity about everybody’s role. This concept builds trust and helps your toddler develop internal cues of hunger and fullness, which is key to maintaining their intuitive eating skills later in life.
2. Stick to a Routine
Toddlers thrive on predictability and routine. Offer meals and snacks at consistent times. When children know another opportunity to eat is coming, they feel less anxious and are less likely to graze all day.
3. Model, Don’t Manipulate
Let your toddler see you enjoying a variety of foods. Avoid labeling foods as “good” or “bad.” Focus on how food feels in the body.
4. Make Meals Sensory-Friendly
Offer deconstructed meals (e.g., instead of a taco, serve meat, cheese, and tortilla separately).
Include at least one “safe” food at each meal.
Allow play and exploration with food. Yes, it is ok for things to get messy! Just when you let your infant play with food to explore it, we want to offer less pressure and more play when it comes to food. It helps toddlers learn through touch and curiosity.
5. Check Your Own Food Story
As parents, our anxiety around food often comes from our own experiences. Were you told to clean your plate? Shamed for being a picky eater? These memories can influence how you respond to your child.
Therapeutic Reflection:
Pause and ask: “What is this bringing up for me?” Your child’s eating is not a reflection of your parenting. It’s part of their own growth journey.
When to Seek Extra Support
While picky eating is normal, some signs may suggest deeper challenges such as sensory processing issues, feeding disorders, or anxiety:
Consistent gagging or vomiting
Very limited food variety (less than 10 foods)
Strong emotional reactions to food smells or textures
Failure to gain weight or grow along their curve
If you’re concerned, consult a pediatrician, occupational therapist, or feeding specialist.
In Summary: From Battles to Boundaries
Supporting a picky eater starts with trust. When you can step back from power struggles and trust your toddler’s innate ability to listen to their body, you create a mealtime environment that fosters security, confidence, and connection.
You’re not alone, and you’re not doing it wrong. Picky eating is a phase, not a failure. With patience, attunement, and therapeutic tools, you and your toddler can navigate this with less stress and more joy at the table.
